Find the One

Find the one – the 361

  1. The One
Find the One

Who is the One? How do we find the One? Does the One even exist somewhere out there? I blame Disney. As little girls we are taught in fairytales that there is a prince out there. Just one. And this prince charming will appear if we look hard enough. We CAN find him! And yes even at a ripe old age, this persists. On dating sites we still believe that if we look hard enough, he will appear. Find the One! Where is he?

2. The circle of One

The circle of One

We are taught to believe from a very early age that we are not complete unless we find our ‘other half.’ This mysterious person (the One) will complete us on every level and we can then be happy for the rest of our lives. We will no longer feel alone! The truth is that we are all alone – whoever is sitting next to us on our park bench. We can be alone in a crowd. We can be alone on our wedding day (I was!) The most alone I have ever felt was in a crowd of 50,000 people in the parade for London Pride. Everyone was taking my photograph and screaming for me but I felt so alone. It’s the reality. We are all alone – but this is not as depressing as it sounds. How about if we stopped looking for the One that will somehow magically complete us and start to look for that one piece of ourselves that is always missing – even in crowds and on wedding days? The 360 is our circle of life. What if we looked for the 361? I thought I had found the One 30 years ago when I got married to Prince Charming but – oh no! He ran off with someone younger 10 years later, leaving me with 2 children, What to do? This never happened in Disney. I had no point of reference. What next? If I believed that he completed me then I was broken, wasn’t I? I needed fixing!

3. The Quick Fix

The Quick Fix

It’s laughable now but I decided to find the One again! Yes that means that in my mind there was now more that one ‘the One’! I actually believed this and proceeded to find the One again and again over the next 20 years. Guess what? That didn’t work. If you’ve ever been divorced or bereaved and jumped straight in with another ‘the One’ you will know what I mean.

4. Hide and seek

Hide and seek

The Quick Fix doesn’t work. But it’s fun to try – with multiple partners, holidays, tv, sex, drink – your drug of choice. We are hiding from ourselves and we know it. As we get older though I think we can run out of places to hide. We are hiding from our true selves. So how do we find something else to complete our lives when we run out of fixes? Well spending time alone and sitting with the pain are essential. I agree. Neither of these options sound as much fun as the quick fixes but I ran out of options – because you can run yourself down to empty – and after 3 years by the beach I can tell you that they both work. They both heal. Sitting with the pain rather than numbing it. Sitting alone. Both of these begin to complete you as you listen to yourself. I was someone who would sleep with anyone so I didn’t have to sleep alone. Now I sleep alone.

5. Who are you?

The 361

Do you know who you are? When I first moved to an unfriendly seaside town where I knew no one, people would openly ask me ‘Who ARE you?’ It was a town that did not welcome outsiders. It got me thinking. Who was I? Did I even know? No. After 10 years’ of emotional and financial abuse leading to the loss of everything, I just didn’t know who I was. Big losses of any kind leave you vulnerable to meeting men who tell you who you are. This never ends well. Do you know who you are? Over time and through my life experiences (which have been hellish at times) I gradually lived through and then developed the 361 recovery programme to share what I learnt. The 361 helps women following loss – any loss. It helps women find the first step out of the 360 circle. The 361 helps you find the one. The 361.

Alice Smith 2019

#recovery #divorce #death #bereavement #grief #wellness #wellbeing #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #women #domesticabuse #fortysomething #widowhood #midlife #menopause #writer #poet #pride #lgbt #sobriety #lifecoach #coach #spirituality #empowerment #ptsd ptsdrecovery #recoveryjourney

Published by 361one

when I write I am a king. Listen to more at 361 live podcast

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