The map

Where am I?

After loss of any kind (divorce, grief, the end of a job/ a relationship, moving home, friendship, the end of motherhood) we feel lost. We are lost girls in Wonderland. The drugs don’t work although we are surrounded by messages that alcohol does. It doesn’t. We just feel more lost. Someone or something has pulled that nice rug we chose together in IKEA from underneath our feet and there we are, lying with our feet up in the air and dirty underwear on show for all to see. If we had known it was going to happen we would have worn better knickers. And no one wants this rug anymore. Where are you? If only there was a map.

Where am I?

Enter the white rabbit

Just like Alice, when we are lost we will get helpers of all kinds. Don’t worry about that. If we are lucky we will get genuine people enter our lives and pick us back up. But as we are lying there, we will be offered help from someone with very different intentions. The narcissist. What is a narcissist? Put simply, someone who cannot love but can mimic it. They have zero empathy – but here’s the catch. They have buckets of surface layer charm. They look great and pick you up with a smile or a drink then rush and rush you shouting ‘I’m late!’ If you follow them at their pace they will soon be your very best friend, your lover or even your husband, They move fast because they have to. Their surface layer charm is like a ticking time bomb. They can’t hold this mask for long so they rush you into a decision that should take you years to make. Like moving in together, buying a car or even marriage. (me – 2006) Roll up! Roll up! Tell them all your secrets and win a prize. You’ve won a map.

waiting for the white rabbit to pick me up

The map

When we are lost we need a map. Agreed? Think back to a major life event when you felt lost. Maybe you are in one of those rabbit holes right now. You needed someone to read the world for you. To make sense of all your mistakes. To give you gifts that will fix this situation for you and take away that scary lost feeling. The narcissist has the perfect map for you. Their map. The world according to them. If you accept it, you will feel instantly better. A quick fix! You will feel completely understood – no one ever understood you this much! You will feel bowled over, obsessive, breathless, excited. It can be a lover or a female friend. The main thing is – this person gets you like no one else and offers you a way of explaining the world which makes you feel better. You take the map. Of course you do.

The Happy Ever After map

The compass

Now we are no longer lost (or so we believe) and we set about rebuilding our lives. We’ve surveyed the wreckage and guess what? Our new lover/friend came along with us to see it and listened intently. Now they know everything. They become our compass. We make no decisions without first calling on them. They are on demand 24/7. They steer us, they direct us. they know stuff. They are always there for us! They know us better than we know ourselves right? No. The truth is, they saw we were open to manipulation and they took their chance to control us. As we begin to feel better and stronger, they begin to exert more control. After all, they feel they own us as this point.

That is because we allowed them to own our minds.

They will now be harder to contact and more inclined to hit us in our weak points. This is partly our fault. We shared them! Think back. You know hardly anything about them. It all begins to feel one sided. It is. Master and servant dressed up as best friends. Coercive control dressed up as true love.

The compass – the view from the floor. No rug this time.

Find the one

The 361 aims to find you before the narcissist does. By sharing content like this the 361 will help you to create your own map and your own compass.

There is absolutely no one that knows you better than you know yourself.

Read that again, If you are in a relationship with a narcissist the good news is that as soon as you begin to create your own map, they will vanish. They need power and control and the truth is that they are no longer interested in you if you are steering your own life. (If you own a house with them or have children they do not disappear, they get ugly but that’s for another part of the 361 recovery programme.) The 361 can help you to create a map that will help you find your own way out of Wonderland – just like Alice did. The 361 helps you find the one. The 360 is the endless cycle of date dump repeat you are in. Narcissists love cycles of behaviour that they can predict and manipulate. The 361 helps you find your way out of that 360 circle.

Find the one. You.

Find the one. The 361.

Alice Smith 2019

#loss #grief #survivor #domesticabuse #domesticabusesurvivor #lifecoach #coach #midlife #writer #narcissist #coercivecontrol #dating #menopause #forties #fifties #wisewoman #empowerment #wellness #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #women #dating #marriage #divorce #relationships #love #death #soul #spirit #shamanism #lostandfound #recovery #mentalhealthrecovery #ptsd #selfhelp #enlightenment #femalewriter #poet #sober #sobriety

Published by 361one

when I write I am a king. Listen to more at 361 live podcast

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