4 minutes

Speed dating

I recently joined the Divorce Club on Meetup – not because I wanted to date again but because I wanted to have serious conversations with mature divorced people. I was amazed to find my first invitation promised that – with speed dating at the ironically titled venue Be at One – I could find the one! If I dressed to impress (impress who?) even at my ripe old age the promise was real – 4 minutes could change my life! FOREVER.

4 minutes

Dress to impress

Flirty 30s

Speed dating for flirty 30s and Naughty 40s . Fifty somethings weren’t mentioned. Maybe they just lack the speed? Or maybe they have wised up to the fact that if you haven’t met Prince Charming by the age of 50 you never will. And he never existed anyway. I read the invitation again. If I can be a walking cliche and flirt naughtily into this bar I too could get a shag from a random man who would not even be listening for the whole 4 minutes but instead would no doubt be working out my bra size (38D.)

38 D


‘Tired of staying home alone?’ it asked. No not really. But this Meetup invitation had got me thinking. Surely there are better ways to grieve your divorce than ‘dressing to impress’ in a ‘relaxed, casual, romantic’ venue. I’m sorry – have you ever been to one of these? It’s a pub in Birmingham. It has neon lights and smells of vomit. Relaxed? Yes – to the point that there is never any toilet roll in the lavatories. Romantic? No. It’s Birmingham. It’s grubby. (I love Birmingham by the way – but it is dirty.) I’m not tired of staying at home, no. What I am tired of is these cliches that are peddled to us divorced women as if we were all long in the tooth Fairytale Barbies who can only find happiness by recreating the meat markets of our youth.

Start the egg timer!


Speed dating. ‘It coudn’t be any easier or quicker.’ It could. It could be easier. I promise. This 360 circle will find you speed dating again next month after ‘Mr 4 minutes of breast sizing’ has wined and dined you next week. Thank u next! This 360 circle is repetitive. Anyone who has fallen for the 4 minute quick fix cannot be the person who can show you how to get out of your 360 circle.

It takes more than 4 minutes to change your life, your habits and to get over a divorce

Thank u next!

There’s a theory that it takes twice as long as your marriage to get over your divorce. My second marriage was only 5 years (it seemed much, much longer) but it’s only now that I am starting to feel ok and grounded in my thinking. That’s 5 years on. Yes it’s easier and sweeter to believe that if you pay your tenner and turn up at Be the One (still laughing at the name) in a new pair of sparkly shoes, you can heal yourself from your poisonous divorce in 4 minutes. Sweet but ultimately sour.

Fix me

It’s a lie you are telling yourself.

I am not judging you – I did it too. Over and over again. The 361 recovery programme takes a more long term approach though, helping you to slowly look back at how you got here. Then helps you to slowly take your first step by finding the change. Finding the one step out of the circle. Speed dating helps you find the one and then the one and then the one. FOREVER. The 361 helps you find the One. You. Find the One. The 361.

Alice Smith 2019

loss #grief #survivor #domesticabuse #domesticabusesurvivor #lifecoach #coach #midlife #writer #narcissist #coercivecontrol #dating #menopause #forties #fifties #wisewoman #empowerment #wellness #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #women #dating #marriage #divorce #relationships #love #death #soul #spirit #speeddating #30s #40s #addiction.#secondmarriage #marriage #4minutes

Published by 361one

when I write I am a king. Listen to more at 361 live podcast

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