Sleep alone

Don’t you get lonely?

This is the first time I’ve been single since I was 16. Three years of singlehood I never ever thought I would choose. It started off as a reaction to one too many violent men. This funny guy shoved my head against a door and nearly knocked me out during sex then complained because i had broken his door hinge. With my head.

Are you laughing?

The next morning, he punched me in the back of the neck when i was asleep as a friendly alarm call. So I started my usual ‘Never again’ and here I am in my third year of celibacy. During that time I’ve written 3 books, started up 2 businesses, written 3 more plays, mended relationships with close family, learnt that my body is mine and been to Rome to see beautiful art. Through all of these beautiful hours, people asked me – don’t you get lonely?

Pssst! Are you lonely?

Lonely in a crowd.

Here’s my answer. I was more lonely in my second marriage. I was more lonely on stage as I toured my shows. I was more lonely in a crowd of 50,000 people at London pride. I was more lonely surrounded by the beautiful people at parties. I was more lonely with the wrong kind of people.

Fabulously lonely in a crowd

3am

The wrong kind of people. The wrong kind of people answer, ‘What do you like about me?’ by listing your looks, clothes, shoes. (Yes i am not sure why I had to ask this all the time – subject of another blog: Like me. I hope this isn’t just me! Why did I ask them this? I now see it was like asking someone for free ice cream!) The wrong kind of people come to your party for the free drinks. The wrong kind of people sleep with you out of lazy appetite. Because you are there. The wrong kind of people steal time, money and energy from you. The wrong kind of people laugh at you after they’ve had you. The wrong kind of people punch you in the back of the neck to wake you up. They think this is funny.

Sleeping. Alone.

Are you laughing?

You may have an attractive boyfriend that everyone wants, money and a shiny gold mini but you can be as lonely as hell. I know. I was.What is this lonely feeling that we all share? We may not admit it but we do. I know it’s not just me. So many ways to Meetup, facebook group, dating sites, parties, gigs, classes.

Pretty. Lonely.

So many ways to not be alone.

Dating, drink, marriage. But still there is this loneliness inside. At 3am you feel it. Everyone does.

3am

We are all alone

I have realised that there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Being celibate and sober helped to clear my head and see the difference. I think any survivor of domestic abuse has to do singledom for at least 2 years to sort out their thought processes. To start to see the difference between being alone and being lonely. Being lonely suggests that we are in lack. We lack a partner to be whole. After a loss it’s never a good idea ro rush to fix that lonely feeling with a new partner.

Why not sit with yourself and be lonely? It’s a short term feeling. Underneath it is this realisation that we are all alone. And it’s ok. Sit in a cafe and watch and you will see what I mean.The couple over there holding hands are TWO people not one. Married or not. The group over there laughing loudly over beers are all individuals that are alone.

No thing and no one can stop us or prevent us from being alone. That’s what 3am is trying to tell us – if we don’t panic

Alone in the bath

We are all alone and it’s ok.Why is this so important? The 361 recovery programme concentrates on you. Your 360 circle is your life. Just you. No one else. The 361 guides you through a complete review of your 360 circle – your patterns. It asks you: What are you going to keep? What will you change? What are your fears? We need to face our fear of loneliness or that fear could drive us back into abuse or push us to speed up grief and ‘get back out there.’ We need other people yes but from a position of strength, knowing that we are complete on our own.

Without fear driving our decisions.

The 361 helps you find your own personal code to face the world. The 361 helps you be alone in a crowd. And it’s ok. Find the one. The 361

Your life is a 360

Alice Smith 2019

#recovery #divorce #death #bereavement #grief #wellness #wellbeing #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #women #domesticabuse #fortysomething #widowhood #midlife #menopause #writer #poet #pride #lgbt #sobriety #lifecoach #coach #spirituality #empowerment #ptsd ptsdrecovery #recoveryjourney #sleep #sleepalone #celibacy #rest #docmartens #empowerment #survivor #writer #single #singledom #singlefemale #photographer #sex #sober #dating #love #dating #selfhelp #relationship

Published by 361one

when I write I am a king. Listen to more at 361 live podcast

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