How would you be like to be remembered? What happens when we are not? What do ex lovers remember about us and does it drive you wild that you will never know? It drives me wild. This is the true meaning of bewildered.
My grandmother’s ashes were scattered on an unmarked grave. Just a number. My brother’s ashes were scattered on a nearby number just 4 weeks apart – both before I was born. This bothers me. How will they be remembered? Does a grave actually matter? These days, after 100 years the land is sold again because we just keep dying and filling up the space. Does it matter if we have a sculptured angel grave or a number in the earth that is shared by hundreds of others who couldn’t afford to bury their dead? Why do we want to be remembered so badly? Is it human nature or is it ego?
Forget me not
When we lose someone or something we desperately try to remember it. It is as if our greatest fear is to forget. This can cause a lot of suffering – holding on and resisting. I panicked so much when my father died – I had extreme sadness like a physical pain as I tried to hold on to his memories. His shoes. His clothes. I was living by the sea at the time and there is nothing like the sea for helping you to understand that time and tide wait for no woman. It all gets washed away twice a day. End of. What remains?
Dig your own grave
How do we remember our old lives? How do we mark the end of a relationship, a divorce or our transition as we change gender or status?
Each transition in our life is a death.
Does it matter if we don’t mark it? For our mental health and our evolution we must do something to mark our passing through a stage – whatever that is. It’s up to us to decide what we are going to do to mark the ending (and therefore the start of something else.) The church can help but maybe that is not a viable option for you. How else can we mark the passing of something or someone we loved? Each culture has its own ritual but in the uk we are beginning to ignore this need to say goodbye in a healthy way. I have a transgender friend who has a grave to her old self in her garden. This is actually pretty healthy. Some people melt down their wedding ring. Others keep some ashes to make into jewellery. Are these choices letting go or holding or? Does it matter?
Thousand beautiful things
The 361 recovery programme helps you find ways to acknowledge your loss. Emotional trouble happens when you do not face the loss or the pain and you press it down, ignore it or numb it. The 361 helps you to unpack the loss in your own time. What will you be keeping as you walk away and what will you no longer be carrying?
The 361 helps you to feel that pain of dropping the suitcase and no longer wearing the shoes or the clothes. No longer smelling them for that scent that is no longer there. The 361 helps you find the one reason to get up and face the world without what you lost. Without the shell. Without what you loved. Because things you love still remain. And if you look around you will soon be able to count a thousand beautiful things. The 361 helps you find the first one. Find the one. The 361.
Alice Smith 2019
recovery #divorce #death #bereavement #grief #wellness #wellbeing #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #women #domesticabuse #fortysomething #widowhood #midlife #menopause #writer #poet #sobriety #lifecoach #coach #spirituality #empowerment #ptsd ptsdrecovery #recoveryjourney #rest #docmartens #empowerment #survivor #writer #single #singledom #singlefemale #photographer #sober #loss #death #losingaparent #grave