they are what success is built upon
but still…I would rather not feel the slide
of my heart into my boots
as another one slides like ice into the silence
where my laughter used to be
In the closet
Dressed in a wedding dress and extravagant wig I would often start off my performances with this verse about betrayal. Wedding dresses are symbolic of betrayal. Even if we stay together and remain married, we never get a Happy Ever After. Even if we were the most well suited couple in the world, Death will betray us in the end. Our partner will die. Nothing lasts forever and it’s no use being angry with Death or God. Both deities are far more powerful than little old you with your dress stuffed into a box in your wardrobe of memories.
Our lives become shrines very easily.
Betrayal can only happen when we place high expectations on someone. I felt a huge amount of betrayal when Husband Number 2 turned out to be a turd, But now, 6 years on, I think I betrayed myself. I ignored a series of red flags. They got bigger and bigger. I chose to ignore them. Why? I will get back to you on that. All I can say is that being betrayed felt like black treacle in my veins. It felt like it was sliding down into my boots.
But I think I betrayed myself. By marrying him, reader.
The Big ones
The 361 recovery programme can help you with the big negative feelings such as betrayal. It’s one of the most difficult emotions to deal with. This is because it firstly involves a replaying of our lives as we saw them.
Our illusions were false.
For example, when he said he says he was in China in hospital after a moped accident, he was actually shagging Philippino prostitutes for £12 a night. Betrayal involves going back into your memory and replacing their truth with your truth, And yet, knowing that there is no hard and fast truth anyway. We also have to take real action – STI tests for instance.
We have to wake up to some harsh realities if we are going to face down betrayal.
Betrayal is mind beinding.
Betrayal leaves us with an inability to trust anyone 100% ever again. This is no bad thing. Maybe we were too trusting before. Correction. Maybe we just didnl’t trust ourselves enough before this happened.
It’s no one’s fault. Recovery does not use blame. The 361 can help us to go back further in our memories to question why we ignored that voice, that intuition, that gut feeling. We can then begin to trust our own choices and decisions. This leads to recovery – over time. It’s not a quick fix.
There is no quick fix.
Autonomy (having control over all areas of our life and decision making processes) is recovery. Betrayal is a huge road black in the road of your life. It can poison you and make you bitter. You may even be abusive yourself if you do not neutralise this poisonous emotion. Find the one voice that will never betray you. Your own. Find the one. The 361.
Life Support is a new national network for survivors set up by two survivors = Alice Smith and Tina Makeda. We are launching with 16 videos to join women all around the world in #16daysofactivism. More videos and information here at https://www.goddesse.co.uk/life-support
Alice Smith 2019
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