Catch me if you can
Loss is unsexy. When we suddenly face a loss such as a divorce, unemployment or even a death we lose friends, popularity and status. It’s like a big loss is that first domino that leads on to further losses. We may feel that there is something wrong with us, due to the way old friends act. They don’t know what to say and they may no longer feel comfortable with us. It almost feels like we have something contagious.
A loss in our lives may lose us popularity and friends – and other things. It depends how we react to it. If we carry on partying (me 2013) it feels the same for a while – but you are driving very fast into a wall .But in a funny way, the further losses of friends and popularity are the right thing to happen. Because when we are on our own and we’ve lost all popularity, we gain time to think (me 2017)
It is in this clear thinking that we can find our way out of loss.
Every woman who ever faced a loss will at some point feel totally and utterly alone. This could be at a party thrown in your honour where Brad Pitt has been assigned to massage your feet. Or it could be on Christmas Eve when your ex has taken the children and you can’t even be bothered to switch on the lights to find a glass for the wine. You drink from the bottle. (me 2003)
There is no one to call because they are all our partying hard so that they do not lose their own relationship and follow you to Failure land. This need for them to keep what they have is more important that your need for support at this time. Sorry to burst your bubble but this is true. Remember – your failure and loss may be contagious! This is what some friends believe deep down. Of course you can carry on partying but this is like driving very fast towards that wall. You are alone but the good news is – we are all alone. It’s just that you are facing it.
Loss is the wall.
Loss is not our fault. Who would choose pain? In the case of a death, of course it is not our fault. But in divorce or the end of a relationship it is possible to see that we did choose it – when the dust has cleared. Such losses can be traced to thousands of little decisions we made. These decisions mount up into a pile that eventually become the reasons for the loss.
Divorces and breakups do not just happen.
If we are going to continue to blame the other person 100% then we will never really recover from the loss and most probably carry it round like a heavy suitcase – into new relationships. It feels good to do this right? And your divorce lawyer will agree. He or she will be long gone by the time you hit that wall, no doubt. They are in the ejector seat. Don’t worry – they can see you are a repeat customer. The same solicitor represented my husband in Divorce Number 1 and me in Divorce Number 2. This tells you all you need to know about their advice. They make money by keeping you from examining loss clearly. It is all their fault! Hang on, it is all your fault! Payday. Who am I again?
The 361 recovery programme allows you the time and space to look back at those choices you made. 361 helps you to see loss clearly and face blame, shame and guilt – the holy trinity of loss. Eventually you can be rid of them by forgiving yourselves and even (gasp!) others. (Forgiveness is for another blog. It’s dark and messy and not at all twee. It works. It lightens that suitcase.) The 361 recovery programme helps you to see the 360 of your loss – the whole circle and then works with you to find a way out. The one step. 361 helps you to find clarity. Find time. Find space. Find the one. The 361.
Alice Smith 2020
More about 361 recovery programme at http://www.goddesse.co.uk
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