I am alive in all my complicated glory. I am alive in my mistakes, my failures and in my wrong turns. The path is muddy and sometimes it rains on me but I am still alive. I am still breathing. I’ve spoken upwards over the dead bodies of my uncle and my father. I have married and divorced, married and divorced, birthed 2 boys and watched them grow. I have filled shows with 200 people and made them laugh and cry and I’ve been alone in court against judges and solicitors who were coercive in abuse.I have walked in the fresh air of the beach for nearly 3 years and the choked air of India. The heat of Ibiza and the frost of Prague. I’ve seen the bright lights of Australia twice and I have been loved – even if it was only temporary.
I’ve thought about jumping off that platform many times – but always with good intentions. I’ve created family homes and worked hard and sometimes I’ve played too hard and fallen off tables and lost myself in things I should have resisted. Said yes when I should have said no. Said no when I should have said yes. I’ve been both selfish and too generous. Mocked, spat at and beaten but sometimes in the same week applauded, praised and chased. I’ve drank too much, grown fat and grown too thin and neither of those bodies were acceptable to me. I’ve helped thousands of people learn but some have called me a bad role model and a narcisisst. Some have taken my help anyway because I offered it then lied about me. I’ve lied to myself for most of my life but not anymore. I can see people’s wounds but would I share them? No. I’ve shared my own to help others. I’ve been incredibly lonely for most of it but I like to think I’ve sucked the life out of every moment – bad and good.
We only have these moments in our lives. Moments of broken heartedness to learn in. We must practise sadness not pretend to be a success on facebook and make money. Feel don’t consume. Because in these moments we learn.
Some moments feel like your guts are being pulled out (walking behind my dad’s and uncle’s coffins.) Some moments feel as if you are a golden child (applause in the spotlight covered in glitter.) Some look like your dreams but they are a lie and a betrayal of yourself (the afterglow, lying in bed and knowing he is a sociopath.) Some you will never forget because you failed but they somehow didn’t (son’s graduation.)
In all of those moments I lived. I’m alive! I survived!
The trick, I see now, is to live broken hearted not to pursue.happiness for its.own same. I can not drink anything that will make me happy anymore. I cannot sell you anything that will fix you. Knowledge is freedom. Emotional education is what life is about.
You live. You breathe. That’s recovery.
361 recovery programme is emotional education. It’s been developed to watch all those moments over again and press pause on those you need to process. Find the one. The 361.
Alice Smith 2020
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